Best Team Name Tournament: Land Animals Region

As everyone knows it’s March Madness time in the sports world. The time when anything can happen and everyone falls in love with the Cinderella story. But, we at Two Big Boobs would like to create our own March Madness. Why not include all the major professional leagues? What would happen if you took the best 64 team names in professional sport and had them fight to see which team name reigned supreme? What would happen if a hawk took on a falcon, a hurricane against the rocky mountains, a viking against a bear? Well this is the Team Name Pankration Tourney. Over the next couple of weeks we’ll break down the match-ups and eventually a champion will be selected. Any and all input is appreciated and can be sent to 2bigboobsinfo@gmail.com, subject: team name pankration. This week we’ll break down the four regions individually (inanimate objects, humans, birds and feline/animals), next week we’ll break down the second round two regions at a time, from there on out we’ll break down the round for all regions at once until the ultimate team name champion is crowned!

The Land Animals Region. Your teams and seedings are as followed.

1. Detroit Tigers vs. 16. Charlotte Bobcats

8. Memphis Grizzlies vs. 9. Jacksonville Jaguars

5. Milwaukee Bucks vs. 12. Arizona Diamondbacks

4. Minnesota Timberwolves vs. 13. Phoenix Coyotes

6.  Toronto Raptors vs. 11.  Nashville Predators

3. Denver Broncos vs. 14. Philadelphia Phillies

7. St. Louis Rams vs. 10. Chicago Bulls

2. Detroit Lions vs. 15.  Florida/Carolina Panthers

Results next…

The Breakdown.

1. Tigers vs. 16. Bobcats

A battle of two felines, except this one is not even close. No upset here, a tiger weighs in at over 600 pounds, while an adult male bobcat is barely pushing 30. That’s a 20 to 1 weight advantage, folks. The Tigers advance easily, and this one ain’t pretty.

8. Grizzlies vs. 9. Jaguars

This one’s a bit closer, and more controversial. After all, these two behemoths come from completely different branches of the animal kingdom. However, the Grizzlies have to come out on top here, being one of the most vicious bear species around. There’s a reason grizzly…er, grisly… is a synonym for gruesome!

5. Bucks vs. 12. Diamondbacks

Talk about a strange match-up. A diamondback is a type of rattle snack (crotalus atrox, for all you nerds out there), and rattle snakes are generally accustomed to preying upon small mammals. On the other hand, did you check out that lame green sweater that the Bucks are sporting in their vintage logo? Just for that…and also because we’d be a lot more frightened to come across a rattle snake than a deer, we’ll go with the Diamondbacks on this one.

4. Timberwolves vs. 13. Coyotes

The battle of the canines! The timberwolf is a fiersome pack animal found in the northern United States, while a coyote is its smaller cousin. The edge in this matchup has to go to the Timberwolves, for two reasons: a) the size advantage, and b) the coyotes are hurt by their negative stereotype, being associated with perpetual muttonhead Wile E. Coyote of Loony Tunes fame.

6. Raptors vs. 11. Predators

A showdown for the ages! This is a battle between two prehistoric beasts (no, the predators don’t refer to the Schwarzenegger film, or this would be an easy one). Both of these now-extinct animals, the veocaraptor and the sabre-tooth tiger, were no less than dominant in their hay-day: the tiger until about 20,000 years ago, and the raptor in Jurassic Park. This will be the first upset of the Animals Region, as the Smilodon Sabre-tooth tiger  weighed in at a Katashi-esque 880 lbs, and possessed fangs of up to 7 inches in length. (Predators)

3. Broncos vs. 14. Phillies

This is actually kind of a sad match-up to watch. Here, we’re dealing with a wild, bucking bronco…as in the ones used in a rodeo. On the other hand, we’ve got a filly, which is a young female horse (although technically the Phillies just refer to the city of Philadelphia, that’s just not creative, so we’re gonna go with fillies). A filly really can’t put up much of a fight against a bucking bronco, but there is a chance that the pair will decide to engage in other activities instead of fighting, perhaps producing a (Baltimore) colt? The Broncos, in any case, have control of this situation.

7. Rams vs. 10. Bulls

The battle of the domesticated animals! Given that, one would think this might be a tame match-up. However, we’re talking specifically about fully-grown male versions of each. This means that they’ve both got large horns which are used for sparring. Imagine a ram charging across a wide-open field, horns down in front, poised for attack…and a bull running in the opposite direction toward the ram! All I know, is that I wouldn’t wanna get in between. Just for sheer size, the advantage goes to the Bulls in this epic battle.

2. Lions vs. 15. Panthers

Another feline match-up, and this one is also lop-sided. A panther is actually not a separate species of cat: depending on which part of the world one resides in, it can either refer to a cougar, a jaguar, or a leopard. All three are pretty formidable, but none of them can come close to challenging the a lion. A lion has his crown as King of the Jungle for a reason, and he ain’t gonna get taken down by a cat named after a British luxury vehicle or a discontinued Mercury model. The Lions take the cake in this first-round bout.